Felicia. Zelda. Defiance. Diana Prince aka Wonder Woman. Warrior. An laoch is treise. (Translation: “The mightiest warrior” in Irish.)
I needed all of them as I made the long walk from my car in the parking lot, through the side door, down the endlessly long hallway, and past the busy café, where residents at the retirement community in which I work sat eating their breakfast and leisurely chatting over their morning coffee. I waved my usual good morning greeting as I walked by. Were they looking back at me normally or staring?
I made a beeline to my coworkers office. “You’re my spotter,” I said to Torrie, my coworker of eleven years, as I entered her office and shut the door. “If my wig is crooked or slipping down the back of my head, it’s your job to give me a heads up.”
She smiled. “It looks good Linda, but it is different,” she said. “People are gonna ask you about it.”
Not exactly what I needed to hear.
I took a deep breath as I left Torrie’s office and walked across the busy lobby, past the front desk, to the back office of the concierge area to get my mail. Two of my coworkers were sitting at the desk. “Good morning Linda,” they both said smiling. I repeated my spotter request. They laughed and told me it looked great.
My wig does looks great. Better than my own hair. That’s the problem. I’m used to my face. My look. Those who know me are used to me, not the snazzy Betty Bouffant perfectly coiffed hairdo I walked into work wearing on January 28th.
It has taken a while to post about day one with the wig.
I’ve had the benefit of having a few people in my life who have faced challenges with grace and humility. I hoped if I ever had to overcome challenges, I would meet them with equal strength. So far, I’m proud of the me who is dealing with Hodgkin’s. But day one with my wig was difficult and tested every ounce of who I hope I am.
I texted one of my running buddies as I sat down at my desk that morning. “Competing in our next triathon will be nothing compared to the challenge of walking into work the first day with my new wig.”
I remember what I felt sitting at my desk looking into the pocket mirror that morning with the door closed to my office. Everything after this is cake.
Tears sprung. God, this helmet of poufiness is not mine. Help me get through this day.
Turns out there were a couple of issues, easily corrected, but I didn’t know that at the time. One was the part. It was in the wrong place. It was a little too far to the side. The whole wig was also sitting a little too far down on my forehead. Those two things created a swooping bang that I had to keep pushing out of my face. I’m also used to tucking my hair behind my ears, which wasn’t possible due to the helmet like half moon sections of the wig that sit below my ears and are hidden by hair. Hair that can’t easily be tucked without exposing the wig’s rounded edges. Ughh!
After playing with it most of the morning I texted my hairdresser. Monday was her day off. “Ruth, it’s Linda. I’m having a wig emergency. Do you mind if I meet you at your house for a quick consult?” I was relieved to hear a quick ping back. “Of course, come on over.” Ruth quickly identified the issues with the part, adjusted its overall placement, and filled me with confidence.
Some of the challenges with having cancer have nothing to do with the physical effects of the chemotherapy. The challenges to my self esteem have been real and a little surprising. Why do I care so much? Appearance is enormously important in the culture in which we live. We’re all human. We subconsciously react to the people around us. Study after study confirms that attractive people create better first impressions, are treated better, and get better jobs. It’s a given.
But with 56 years on the planet, I’ve gained some wisdom. Physical appearance is not the only factor in determining a successful life. I’m comfortable with myself, and that includes my appearance. Would I like a less ruddy complexion, eyes that aren’t so close together, and a jaw that’s a little softer? Yes, yes, and yes. But I’m not consumed by these things, so why am I so consumed by what I look like wearing a wig?
After all, not having hair has had some positives. My morning routine is shorter. My hair drying time involves rubbing my head with the towel as I dry off after my shower. That’s it. Done. My 45-minute routine used to include towel wrapping, detangling, air drying, blow drying, and straightening. I’m actually a little off kilter with all the extra time in the morning. It has me wondering why anyone would spend so much time on their hair. I’ve always wanted a super short hair style, but never wanted to cut it too short. What if I didn’t like it? Now, I’ll get to find out!
I’m trying to stay positive. I’m finding it’s been enormously satisfying to overcome each challenge. The wig challenge was a big one. I survived it!
And I also discovered, no name is necessary. Linda Ann Lodigiani Edwards is good enough. I don’t need my wig to have an alter ego with a catchy name. So we can all call it whatever we want. I’ll probably stick with “my wig” most of the time, but let’s all feel free to refer to it by any of the other fabulous suggestions you all came up with. They were thoughtful and creative and filled with love. All good!
Tribal Life 
You are meeting this challenge with Grace, humor, strength, and all the amazingness that is Linda. Having a wig on can be disorienting. Though I wore one for very different reasons, I struggled too with the oddness of this extra layer of someone else’s hair capping my head. It is at once a suit of armor and a kind of invisibility cloak, masking our “realness” from the eyes of others. I hope it becomes a pride of courage for you as well as a lovely accent to the beautiful you.
LikeLike
Thank you Nicole – well said.
LikeLike
You are simply wonderful!
LikeLike
Thanks Deb – so good to see your wonderfulness the other day!
LikeLike
You have put into words so beautifully what so many woman have felt about their appearance. It is a big part of how we view ourselves . Your thoughts put into words inspire me and countless other readers . Keep on sharing 💕
LikeLike
Thanks Ginny. I appreciate you listening.
LikeLike
You are amazing Linda. Your strength and your ability to find some light moments where you can will carry you across this finish line. You will have a large fan base at that next triathlon!!!!
LikeLike
Thanks Kathleen. Think about being a triathlete with me!
LikeLike
Linda, You looked beautiful when I saw you at work last week. You survived Day 1 and looked lovely and confident. Thank you so much for sharing your experience in all its frightening and funny details. You’re a winner.
LikeLike
Thanks Beth. I appreciate your kind words!
LikeLike
Linda, I really liked your wig in the photos you shared and I know, it’s not so much the what as the why and how this experience can give us lessons we never really needed to know about ourselves. Your writing has been so incredible, I have to stop and remember that this is my sister and not some professional novelist. Your courage continues to inspire us all. I’m ashamed to admit that I had been complaining to Doreen about my own accelerated hair loss in the last year. What a trivial thing for an aging white male to notice about himself. Isn’t that what they made baseball caps for?
LikeLike
Thank you David. It’s been gratifying to learn what others are taking from the blog. Miss you!
LikeLike
Thank you. Your honesty, your spirit of finding humor in this journey, your gift of writing. Thank you. I also know women who have met challenges head on with grace, strength and indomitable spirit and you are on that list.
LikeLike
Linda Ann Lodigiani Edwards is better than good enough. This debut is another first knocked off the list, and written so well, with bravery, humor, honesty and the help of others. One day closer to better days.
LikeLike
Thank you for your support Suzanne – it is very much appreciated.
LikeLike
Your reflections on looks and appearances are honest and interesting. I like reading about the wig-with-many-names. Going to the hairdresser with it! You’re making it adjust to your person, more than vice versa. That’s how it should be!
LikeLike
Thanks Hanna, I appreciate your kind feedback!
LikeLike
Thinking of you and praying for you these past few weeks…
It’s too late to text you, to late to call, yet still wanted to say hello beautiful,cousin.
Love you much!
❤️😘✨
LikeLike
I needed this April, thank you. I’m working on a post now, but to give you a sneak preview – PET scan results show the chemo is working, but I’m impatient. Most everything is back to normal, but the area of concern they found in my lower back in the first scan is still there, although it’s half the size. But this changes the staging to stage 3. That mean 6 cycles of chemo instead of 4. I was ready for this to be done in May, but it will go into June. That’s a bummer that I need to get my head around. I will be fine, but have a little but if an attitude issue right now. Chemo this morning went fine. Thanks for checking in.
LikeLike
Hey beautiful cousin. I’m writing my reply twice, somehow it wasn’t saved…☹️
You have every right to feel impatient, frustrated and incensed as the parameters were changed; stage two to three and chemotherapy rounds increased from 4 to 6. You weren’t ready, it wasn’t a change you saw coming. You put on your Warrior Princess armor and went to battle.
You’re disappointed, you might be scared
BUT you didn’t loose the battle! In fact, a very important key point needs to be noted; the
CHEMO is WORKING!! Your PET scan confirmed it and the lesion on your lower back is 50% smaller!
REMISSION/CURE SUCCESS, is meausured by the tumor response to the chemotherapy regime and patient tolerance to the chemotherapy regime. You’re succeeding at both aspects!!! Let me say it again.
You’re succeeding at both aspects!!!
So beautiful cousin, it’s a delay, so ride the storm, and put on your Warrior Princess armor and continue to “F—k Cancer!”
And know that God and all the angels and saints love you and are watching over you!!! You come from a large,family and extended family, who are all praying for complete health on your behalf to their favorite heavenly beings, as are your dear friends.
Sending you my prayers and love my beautiful cousin aka beautiful Warrior Princess…❤️✨🌟
LikeLike
Thanks April. Everything you said is true. I’m coming out of my funk and will be back in fighting mode. Thanks for your continued support.
LikeLike