Hitting the wall

I do some of my best falling apart in the car.

Today was one of those days. Driving around to do errands, I found I could not stop the tears that kept coming to the surface. My mood matched the weather. It had been raining all day and still has not stopped as I write this. It’s easy to cry in the car. No one ever gets near enough to see your facial expressions. I don’t have to explain myself. I can lose it, catch my breath, lose it again. And I don’t need to explain anything.

I stopped into Sally Beauty Supply to pick up a wig stand and wig caps. “Hi there,” the clerk said as I walked in. “How can I help you?” “I need a wig stand,” I said. “And I think I need some of those caps, but I’m not sure. I’m starting chemo…” The tears started and I couldn’t finish the sentence. “How about a hug?” She opened her arms and I let a total stranger hug me and pat my back.

I don’t want to admit to my family that I’ve hit the wall in being strong and having a positive attitude. I’ve been working extra trying to get things organized with my job. I’m starting to get tired. I find I’m needing coffee in the afternoon to keep my energy up, which is never something I needed in the past.

Yesterday’s day long adventure to install the port was supposed to have been a quick procedure. The surgeon had been delayed and we ended up being there most of the day. It took more out of me than I expected.

I guess I’m just tired of this whole thing. But it hasn’t even started. Chemo begins Tuesday. Am I really ready for this?

18 thoughts on “Hitting the wall”

  1. Linda, it’s nice to hear that someone else does their crying in the car .. I do too. I will put sunglasses on at intersections but I like that I can make as much noise as I want without anyone knowing. Not that I’m trying to necessarily hide my emotions but I want to be free to let them happen when they surface.

    I love your blog .. reading each of your posts. You have a wonderful gift as a writer, your voice comes right through.

    You are incredibly strong (and a badass!) .. but I hope you allow your family to still see your ‘weaker’ side as well .. it will enable them to dig deep and become stronger in order to support YOU.
    ❤️

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  2. Linda, this is such an intimate look at what you are going through. Humorous and heart wrenching at the same time. I too cry in the car, sometimes just listening to a song. Sending you big hugs!

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  3. Linda, your blog is fantastic! It is so real – I relived my early experiences/emotions when I read your words. You can do this. Crank it into warrior mode and get the job done! I am with you.

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  4. Hey Linda – your blog is beautiful! I am so sorry that you and your family are having to go through this. This is tough stuff and puts all of you in a place where you have to figure it all out on the fly while you are trying to deal with a huge amount of information coming at you. We are all here to support you any way we can for you or your family!

    Sue

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  5. Wow – what a read! We are all thankful that you have taken the time to put your journey into words. We love you, are here for you, and know that Warrior Linda will come through this the strong bad ass that you are. As Sue said, we are all here to support you and your family in any way that we can.

    Deb

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  6. Linda, as I read the comments above I feel the possibility inherent in all true and good writing–to bring people together and for you to gain strength and hope from those reading you and for everyone reading you to feel the same from you. I will read you religiously and know that the hug the salesperson gave you is what we all feel.

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  7. My sister, my friend , my hero. Your blog is a beautiful reflection of your honesty, courage and spirit. I knew you had the fight to beat this, but even in the face of uncertainty you have the strength to share. I too cry in the car, some days I can’t play the radio. Music has so many memories. I look forward to reading your thoughts as you go through this journey. You are an inspiration.

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  8. Dear Linda—I was afraid for you when I saw something on Facebook that made me suspicious you were facing this challenge. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I think you are very brave to put yourself out there but you do a great job with your writing. I believe this will help you and also others. I’m glad you took some control by letting people know about your port experience. I apologize for my colleagues who hopefully will do it better in the future. Good luck, be strong. I believe you will beat this.

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  9. Thank you for sharing Linda. Now I understand your FB post….and we will laugh and cry with you each step..toward your recovery..!..You make us better!

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